Rabbi Charles Briskin
November 17, 2001

D'var Torah - Parashat Toledot

I am the youngest of three boys. Six and eight years separate me from my older brothers. At times it seems that the only thing we have in common is our parents. We have very different careers. We are driven by different issues. We have different hobbies. Our personalities are distinct. We've always been temperamental, but adulthood has mellowed us--somewhat. We get along now. And we know where each other stands. We know how to push each other's buttons, but we do so with less frequency these days. The sibling rivalries and petty arguments that tempered much of our childhood and even early adulthood--and likely caused my parents to turn prematurely gray-have dissipated. As we've aged, we've become more mature. We're more reasonable. We even enjoy spending time together-but not too much time.

Sibling rivalries are as old as our ancient tradition. Anyone with a sibling has memories-some even very recent-of arguments, accusations of wrongdoing, fighting, taunting, dishonesty. We pray that this behavior ends by the time the oldest gets a drivers license, or leaves home for college. It doesn't always. Poor sibling relationships, too often, last well into adulthood, and middle age, even beyond. Many go through difficult times, until, we hope, some sort of reconciliation occurs.

Our own relationships and experiences have parallels. We recognize them when we read our sacred text. Sibling rivalries are an enduring theme in our tradition. Isaac and Ishmael, Rachel and Leah, Joseph and his brothers. And of course, Jacob and Esau. Our ancestral sibling relationships are fraught with tension, rivalry, cries for attention, and bitterness. Nobody gets along. Midrash tells us that on the day Abraham and Sarah celebrated the weaning of Isaac with a festive party, his older brother Ishmael was outside playing, mocking the entire affair. Tradition teaches that Rachel and Leah fought bitterly for Jacob's love and attention. The story of Joseph's youthful haughtiness and his brothers' extreme reaction is familiar. We have many examples of siblings getting along poorly. I'm sure you boys and girls today can relate. Parents too, I imagine.

What is the source of tension and rivalry? Sometimes children bring it on themselves. One constantly taunts the other, or is mean-spirited and vindictive. Other times the source is subtle. Parents show favoritism to the child they deem to be exceptional, while neglecting their other children who are merely "above average." And children react. Who hasn't yelled out in anger, "mom loves me more than she loves you!" or "you never get in trouble, because daddy loves you the best." We are goaded into volleying these petty insults. But if they are said enough times, we begin to believe them. And if parents aren't aware of their own unconscious or even deliberate behavior, if they play favorites, then their children will suffer.

We see parental favoritism in Parashat Toledot. Following Rebecca's difficult pregnancy and the birth of her twin boys, we see how each one establishes a distinct identity as they mature. "Esau was a man who hunted, a man of the field. And Jacob was a simple man, living in tents." And Isaac loved Esau" the text says, "because he put game meat in his mouth, and Rebecca loved Jacob." (Gen. 25:28). Rabbi Neil Gilman provides a clearer picture: Esau is tough, rough-hewn, and gruff. He's rough around the edges. He's a man who works with his hands, an outdoorsman. Jacob on the other hand, is smooth and well polished. He's a bit nebbishy. He spends his time indoors, reading and writing. Historically, we have identified more as Jacobs than Esaus. And perhaps we are guilty of treating the Esaus in our lives with less respect than those who are Jacobs. (taken from LTW, 5756p.62f.)

Parents want their children to develop into established, successful professionals. They push and challenge their children. Parents show their pride when their children win "student of the month" at their school, or score high on SATs, and get into top colleges. The pressure to compete begins at an earlier age. But what about our children who don't set their goals so high? Or our children whose skills that are better suited for the industrial arts rather than liberal arts? Are we guilty of ignoring their different talents?

Jacob and Esau are two very different children. Our text provides enough description for us to paint an image of them. Despite Jacob's multiple acts of deception, we still see him as a positive figure. Esau tends to react in a natural, if somewhat reactive way. He doesn't demonstrate the same common sense as his brother, Jacob. Our image of him remains negative. We favor Jacob and cast off Esau. We can't make the same mistake with our children. We must let them find their niche in their world. We must take pride in their accomplishments. It doesn't do anyone justice to compare one child to another. At some point in their lives, all children will make us proud. A Yiddish proverb teaches, "Every child carries its own blessing into the world." Philosopher Martin Buber elaborates, "Every person Every person born into this world represents something new, something that has never existed before, something original and unique. . .Each new creation is in the image of God, yet every one of us is an individual, called upon to actualize ourselves in this world-to make real our greatest potential to be human.

It is our sacred obligation to enable our children to grow and develop into the individuals they are destined to become. We are their partners in helping them discover their natural talents. We must encourage our children to nurture and develop their skills. Someday they will use them to become doctors and carpenters, mechanics and lawyers, teachers, chefs and shopkeepers. Whatever they decide to do, it is our obligation to give them our blessing and support to do whatever they can to succeed in our world.

Jacob and Esau struggled bitterly in the womb, and fought for much of their lives. But, after many years, and more trials and tribulations, the two came together on the banks of the Jabbok River. Once they had established themselves independently, they were able to reunite and reconcile. As my brothers and I have established ourselves, we have become closer. Maturity and independence has enabled us to grow into distinct individuals. We carry the blessings and love of our parents who have always encouraged us throughout our life journeys. Let's pray that as we continue to grow, as siblings, parents, and children, we too will be able to reconcile on the banks of the river and reunite in love, respect, and independence.

Amen