Rabbi Janet Marder

September 7, 2007

Home Improvement: Tribute to Joseph Pham

            A Jewish mother writes to an advice columnist with a dilemma. “I grew up not doing anything in the kitchen,” she says, “and when I got married I knew nothing. I want something better for my kids. I want them to know how to cook, how to do laundry, how to take care of themselves and run a home. Plus, I’m tired of being treated like a servant around here – picking up after everyone in the house, washing their dishes, cleaning up their messes. Most of all, I’m sick of nagging everyone to do their chores, and of all the tension and arguments we have around housework. Is there some Jewish insight on these issues?”

            Every once in a while I’m tempted to say something really radical from this bima, like “No – Judaism has absolutely nothing to say about this. I’m totally speechless.”

            But then, fortunately, I come to my senses, and remember that there’s a Jewish perspective on everything. So how might we look at housework?

            It all depends, really, on how we understand the meaning of “house.” The other day, when Shelly and I were taking a long walk, we tried to see how many synonyms for “house” we could come up with. You have no idea what wild things two rabbis will do when they’re left alone. Anyway, we thought of all kinds of words – mansion, apartment, condo, cottage, bungalow, lodging, homestead, pied-a-terre and even more – it was a really long walk.

            Later, I thought about the Hebrew word for house – bayit (it’s the origin of the Hebrew letter bet, which started out as a little drawing of a house). Here’s the amazing thing about bayit – it’s used in the Hebrew Bible to describe not only our personal houses, but also the Temple , the house of God, the shared house of the Jewish people. The mountain where the temple was built in Jerusalem is called “Har Habayit.” The first Temple , destroyed by the Babylonians, was called “Bayit Rishon.” The second Temple , destroyed by the Romans, was called “Bayit Sheni.” The most common word in the Bible for our central shrine and holy place is “bayit.”

            We use the same word for the holy Temple and for our own home to suggest that there’s a kinship between them. The Sages of the Talmud taught that after the Temple was destroyed in the first century, its holiness came to reside in our homes, the center of our Jewish life. The home was re-imagined as a “small sanctuary,” a miniature Temple .

            Many practices that once took place in the Temple were now transferred to the Jewish home. 12 loaves of bread, one for each tribe, were once offered in the Temple ; now challah was set out on our Shabbat table. Part of the Temple offerings were once set aside for the Kohanim, the priests; traditional Jews now separate out a small piece of the challah dough before baking it in the oven.

            As salt was presented with the Temple offerings, challah is dipped in salt before eating. In place of the ancient wine libation, we make Kiddush, lifting up and sanctifying the fruit of the vine. As the Kohanim washed their hands before ascending the altar, so it became Jewish tradition to wash our hands before eating bread and enjoying the Sabbath meal.

            The Talmud teaches us to think of our table, the place where family and friends gather to eat, as an altar – a holy place, where we offer the best that’s within us. We make it a holy place when we welcome others to eat with us. We make it holy when we pause to say blessings before and after eating, rather than stuffing food into our mouths like animals. When we sit together at the altar, we don’t want to put out anger, criticism, gossip or any form of ugly speech. We want to speak words that lift others up and honor them.

            As the temple was a place of sanctity, harmony and peace, we try to create shalom bayit in the place where we live – to make our home a center of safety, comfort and respect. People can disagree in a place where there’s shalom bayit, but they do it in a way that acknowledges the value and dignity of the other. Of course we’re human, and we’re going to lose our temper sometimes. That’s normal. But focusing on the need for shalom bayit will help us to repair our mistakes with honesty, forgiveness and love.

            If you think of your home, your bayit, as a holy space, that affects your feelings about housework. And if we want to change our kids’ feelings about housework, we need to change our own feelings first. Our bayit is the place where we take care of one another. Cooking and cleaning, setting a beautiful table (whether elaborate or simple), nourishing and serving our family and guests, keeping our home and yard in order, are not degrading chores. Through this work we show love and honor for others; we show love and respect for the bayit we share.

            These teachings apply, by the way, even if we’re not the only ones doing the housework. If we hire someone to clean or do the gardening, we can show that we value the importance of their work by paying them a decent wage, seeing that they receive benefits and treating them with respect. And the primary responsibility for our bayit remains with us. Having a housecleaner, maid or gardener does not relieve any of us of the shared mitzvah of creating a holy place.

            If the adults in the home hate and resent housework, if they turn it into a punishment for kids, if they’re ambiguous and inconsistent in their message, or if they insist on perfection, it won’t be surprising if chores become a source of tension and anger. If a husband treats his wife like a servant, it won’t be surprising if the kids follow suit.

            But if adults share with good humor in caring for the common space of the home, if they invite their kids from an early age to join them, showing and teaching them the value of a delicious meal, an organized work space, a cultivated garden, a peaceful and beautiful table, it won’t be surprising if the kids grow up wanting to recreate these in their own home.

            Housework, you see, means more than chores. It’s the work we do together to maintain our bayit as the kind of place a Jewish home should be. It doesn’t have to be a place where the floor is clean enough to eat on, where you can see your reflection in the polish of the furniture, where no flat surface is ever marred by a pile of paper. But our bayit should be a place we all feel responsible for, and treat with love and pride.

            The mezuzah we put on the door should be a sign that everyone who enters the house is met with kavod, honor and respect. It’s a home where children are cherished, guests feel comfortable and friends enjoy hanging out; where Jewish books are read and Jewish values are lived; where Jewish holidays are celebrated with light and warmth and reverence and joy; where the table talk is as good and nourishing as the food.

            That kind of housework requires partnership from everyone who lives in the house. And it pays us the very best of rewards: a bayit where we always feel glad to walk through the door and come home.

            Tonight we have the opportunity to honor a very special person who plays an important role in caring for our community bayit, Beth Am, the house we share.

            Joseph Pham is a member of our custodial team. For 20 years he has worked to keep Beth Am looking clean and beautiful, setting up and taking down our tables and chairs, washing the floors and vacuuming the carpets, putting out food for the oneg, making sure there’s challah and Kiddush cups on the bima, setting up the microphones and emptying the trash. Joseph came to America from Vietnam . In his own country, he was a scholar and teacher, specializing in the philosophy of Martin Buber. He has written at least one book, in Vietnamese, on the writings of Buber, who taught us about I-Thou relationships, in which we relate to others as full persons, without using or exploiting them for our own needs.

            Joseph works hard and faithfully every Shabbat, when the rest of us are resting. He is modest, gentle and good-humored. Whenever he sees me he never fails to greet me with “Shabbat Shalom, Rabbi.” He understands that Beth Am is a holy place, and I believe that he regards his work not only as a way to support his family but as a contribution to the Jewish community.

           We are honored to recognize and thank Joseph Pham tonight as he celebrates his 20^th anniversary in the Beth Am community. Our synagogue is presenting him with this plaque, which reads “With appreciation for 20 years of devoted service;” and we have also made a gift that will provide Joseph and his family with a day of fun and relaxation and a great dinner in the Santa Cruz mountains.

            We could all honor Joseph (and the rest of our custodial team), from this day forward, by smiling and saying hello when we see them, thanking them for what they do, and helping them to keep Beth Am a clean, holy and beautiful place.

            Joseph, please come forward now, as I invite all Beth Am staff, present and past, to join in offering you our thanks and blessings.